Friday, September 30, 2005

of tears and stairs...


I've really missed kanja lately. Its easier to hate someone, be angry at them, that way missing them hurts less. The anger hides the longing. The anger is fake, its not real, but it feels better. Thats just how it feels for me anyway. So I look for the littlest thing to feel angry about. But this great person I have in my life just virtually holds my hand and lets me throw all the tantrums I want. He knows I'm struggling with all this and being so far. Today I just cried. Couldnt care less that I'm flat broke and that calling him would cost me ....quite something, no calling card, no nothing, just call....I was in school...actually in the middle of class. I needed to! I needed to hear his voice, I needed to hear him say he loves me. So I did. I walked out of class, dialed and spoke to him....to Kanja. The man that makes me feel better. Heard his voice and just broke down in tears right there in in the stair well. Luckily nobody needed to use that specific stairwell today. Who am I kidding...? Even if someone did, I would not have cared less. Thats just what I needed to be doing. Crying and listening to Kanja's voice. Because he makes my world revolve, because he reminds me that I like ladybugs, because I belong to him...(oh catch me dead some years back saying I belonged to anyone!!!) because what we have is the greatest thing I have ever known. Because it is...it just is!! It hurts to be so far. 2 months and I shall see him. 2 months and I can breath again. just 2 months. I miss him to the point I want to throw up sometimes. It's horrible, but I'd rather have the wailing on the stairs, the nausea, the missing him than not have him at all.

4 Comments:

Blogger Milonare said...

Woishe Pips

Dont worry, the two months will pass... I also have like 2.5 months be4 I see my El Sweetio and the being apart kills/eats me inside!!! Be strong... be brave... be everything just for ur love!!!

BTW - in relation to missing comments, blogger seems to have a probi with comments... cant seem to find mine anywhere either...

5:15 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Woiyee dear girlie hang in there 2 months may seem like forever right now but hey days are still moving and if yours having been flying like mine then trully Dec shall be here before you know it. Smile.

Its good to love someone so much, hang in there girl aait?

Have a fab weekend, plans? :)

6:18 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

Hold on girl- for all this will pass and love, that kind of love, is worth all the pain it might put you through and God bless him he sounds supportive.
Cyber-hug dadangu..

10:04 PM  
Blogger spicebear said...

this post is so what i go through. but instead of breking down at the stairs, i was at the bus stop. i get you on that being mad is easier than just accepting the fact that you are away from him. but he's still there, and as you said, only two more months.

10:14 PM  

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