of tears and stairs...

I've really missed kanja lately. Its easier to hate someone, be angry at them, that way missing them hurts less. The anger hides the longing. The anger is fake, its not real, but it feels better. Thats just how it feels for me anyway. So I look for the littlest thing to feel angry about. But this great person I have in my life just virtually holds my hand and lets me throw all the tantrums I want. He knows I'm struggling with all this and being so far. Today I just cried. Couldnt care less that I'm flat broke and that calling him would cost me ....quite something, no calling card, no nothing, just call....I was in school...actually in the middle of class. I needed to! I needed to hear his voice, I needed to hear him say he loves me. So I did. I walked out of class, dialed and spoke to him....to Kanja. The man that makes me feel better. Heard his voice and just broke down in tears right there in in the stair well. Luckily nobody needed to use that specific stairwell today. Who am I kidding...? Even if someone did, I would not have cared less. Thats just what I needed to be doing. Crying and listening to Kanja's voice. Because he makes my world revolve, because he reminds me that I like ladybugs, because I belong to him...(oh catch me dead some years back saying I belonged to anyone!!!) because what we have is the greatest thing I have ever known. Because it is...it just is!! It hurts to be so far. 2 months and I shall see him. 2 months and I can breath again. just 2 months. I miss him to the point I want to throw up sometimes. It's horrible, but I'd rather have the wailing on the stairs, the nausea, the missing him than not have him at all.