Sunday, May 28, 2006

long long rant.

I met someone I haven't seen in a minute.....a really really long time!! Not like I used to talk to them...they were just someone that I knew...loose hi when I saw them, but that's about it as far as communication between us. But I've talked to them twice now in the span of a week. One, I just cannot believe this person talks so much so the first like half hour, I just stared in awe that words were actually coming out of them. Then we got talking and wow. It's a shame we didn't talk more before. Talk about hilarious! So it's been fun. On to other parents think I'm a nomad! LOL! The other day, I didn't reply one of my moms txts and she was all freaked calling to see if I got her text, if so, why I hadn't replied and if I'm ok, etc...she needs to relax a tad bit yo...(I'm still working my yo word!). Then on to even more things! Sometimes I miss things as they were, but I know that it shall never be! If I'm in a relationship, I just can't decide that I'm going to be doing things on my own terms! It's a two way thing. Of which I was reminded again by a really good friend who kicks reality into me even when I don't want to hear it and am throwing tantrums because I don't want to hear it! Anyway, back to what I was rambling on about... So I just don't know. You know when you're doing laps in the pool and you're out there, thrashing it out. At first it feels good, you can feel your muscles work and you know you're doing a world of good to your body, besides it just feels good to feel the water engulf your entirety. Then if you are like me and totally out of practice, after lap 5 you begin to feel tired, breathing just isn't that easy any more and your arms feel increasingly heavier with each stroke. You just need to stop. The water is creasing your toes and your fingers and you just want to get out of the water. That's what it feels like. I just couldn't anymore. I'm not asking anyone to beg or apologize for anything. I never have, never will. Never have I asked anyone to change for me. I really try not to judge and that involves acknowledging that there are people that are way different from me. But that's just how it is, why would I then want to change someone? It really hurts when all these things are thrown at me. I should know better and just ignore it, but I can't. When someone was such a big part of you for so long to then say certain things... I don't know what to think anymore. Suddenly even what was feels foggy! I was telling my friend yesterday that I have lost any faith I ever had in love and he went out at me saying that I shouldn't do that and I should be willing to let it happen and not be pessimistic in the way that I am. How can I do that when it always ends up in tears. It's not love, its just tolerance!! Thats it. Anyway, I know this is going to raise many..."you're wrong, there really is love, you shouldn't be so negative, don't let a few things ruin it for you...etc" But right now, that's just how I feel. I'm struggling with lots of emotions that I'm really trying to ignore but it's proving hard to do so with each day. I have good durations where for some weeks I'm fine and then I hear from someone, remember something, look at a picture, read something and it just comes washing over me, then I go back to burying it and trying to believe that it doesn't exist. It never did. At least I get by that way. Anyway, I need to stop this long rant. It probably makes absolutely no sense to people, but I feel a bit better!


Blogger spicebear said...

as someone who's been there before (the whole i don't believe i love bit) all i can say is don't deny yourself all the feelings both the good and the bad. i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who feels the exact same way you do and she tried everything. she compromised, tried to change yourslef and the change him and all that happened is that she is left pregnant (the baby was meant to bring them closer) no longer engaged and pissed as hell. it s a bright thing to realise when things are not going well and not taking it too far. you can't wish away the way you are feeling so you migth as well embrace it.

8:10 PM  
Blogger KenyanMusings said...


You and me both.....
I lost faith in love too lately...

You will be fine. Its a phase they say

3:53 PM  
Blogger Mr Teddy said...

Hey Ms Tiramisu. Thats how you know its truw, coz when its gone you can really feel its missing, and you can remember how it felt. Just dont the hole stay empty, or fill it with regrets. Fill it with love for yourself( I know that sounds strange, but if you dont love yourself who'll do it for you?) and leave space for the things and pple you love and will grow to love.
PS never thos I'd use the word love that many times in a paragraph! Go figure :-D
PPS I need to vibe you about Finland, drop me a mail. you can get my address from spicey (don't want strange pple knowing my name :-D)

3:51 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

Hey just popped in to wish to wish you Happy Birthday. Hope you feel well now.

3:08 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

thank you shiroh!!!

8:33 PM  

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