i have/am moved/moving

I'm moving....setting up camp elsewhere....so change your links to.... this.......and yes, housewarming tiramisu all round...

My new vice as people know by now is Greys anatomy...I just can't get enough. Drama is a mirror on society and I guess thats why so many times I see myself in the characters of this particular series...and they say words that ring so true to me... Like when Dr. Bailey aka the nazi is talking to Christina bout making decisions bout stuff you have to do..."you just have to know, and when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it. you do what you can when you can,... while you can, when you can't,... you can't"... for those moments where I break myself wondering what I could have done different or break myself wondering what I can do to turn things around....when I know deep, very deep down that there is nothing I can do, or could have done different or to make things better. Sometimes, things are meant to be a certain way and there really is no point fighting fate. It's really too big a force to try and knock out really.

As for the pain associated with letting things go...well, its true, sometimes, you just have to just go through it, feel and ...ahem "embrace" the burn...hey what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? But when do you draw a close to the burn? When do you say enough is enough, there can't be a burn anymore because it's too much, it's too draining and you just want some peace without having to tend to internal flames. And when the burn does decide to go, then there is this emptiness. You're not mad, or hurting anymore, the element that was the burning factor is gone, and in its place, well there is nothing. No more crying to do, no more hating, no more burning, just a deafening silence and you're heart beat to remind you that yes, you are still alive so deal! Where do you even begin to pick up the pieces and how do you normalise the life you were left with that looks like something that was spat out by a shredder? What is normal anyway? Ok, too much thought going on here...

only in finland

We had a dinner tonight....it was a business school etiquette dinner. So the full dress up, complete with heels, had my hair straight which I havn't done in a long while. It was interesting to see everyone all dressed up...well apart from the ones who don't really know what formal means and came in .... uhm....well...less than formal clothes. But we all had a good time, good food, good wine and good company. After which, we all obviously went clubbing. When I say all, I mean all, including one of my professor's and mind you he isn't young at all, He is older than my father and could well be old enough to be my grandpa. But he came, chatted with us and got down on the dance floor! And dude, he's like an energiser bunny...he went on and on and on. Only in Finland! Oh then I tried that tobacco stuff that Finns put in their mouths...it was...well...an interesting experience. I didn't really feel anything, but it tastes HORRID!!! I'm not trying that again thank you very much. But I do think I'm forgetting how to dance. With all these white dancers...I find myself just swaying to the music and watching people do some interesting things in the name of dance. And again, I think I'm becoming anti-social or I'm just getting bored of the same crowd! Same faces, same boring conversations. Then how I mentioned that I am off men. Even when I kinda like someone, I just don't feel the urge to do anything about it and treat them as I would anyone else....is there something terribly wrong with me? And when they figure that they aren't getting anything out of me, well, they obviously move on, and that doesn't bother me either. So it's like I really didn't like them in the first place. Hmm...oh well! Anyway, off to watch my new vice - grey's anatomy.

Of swimming pools and tv series'

I went swimming today. I used to swim lots when I was younger, but in the recent years, I can count the number of times I have gotten into a pool to actually swim let alone just splash around....and I can count them on one hand. But it's a good way to excercise, so...there I found myself in the pool. I went last week and after just one lap I was ready to go home. But I pushed a little harder. This time, I did significantly better and I must say, I was quite proud of myself. But I also did lots of watching people in between my laps. There were these four teenage girls all giddy with life, in their little bikini's and strutting around, but trying to cover themselves up...dude!! why wear a bikini if you're going to be constantly covering your bones? Bones because these little spring chicks were all toothpicks, not even the toothpick with curves version, no, just plain old toothpicks. In the extreme opposite, there was this lady wearing a bikini...really strutting her stuff, no hiding nothing....and dude, well, let's just say I think she would have been better off in a full costume. Oh...hmmmm I think I'm getting old. Another set of youngin's were fooling around in the lane next to me and splashing all this water everywhere....more importantly on me as i swam by.....Goodness, I found myself making a face and mumbling about "just what do they think they are doing?"....Just like one of those old people that go off at you when you're young and splashing around. Then I began to laugh at myself in mid stroke, so I'm sure they were left questioning my sanity! But all in all it was fun and I definately will go back....its also good alone time. And you can do nothing else but pant from lack of oxygen and think. So after my swim I came home to watch grey's anatomy. I really should stop watching these series'. i have a crush on Dr. Burke now....not that my crush on Conrad from weeds is over, but man oh man!! He's a doctor and he's just so...to the point and ben&jerry's icecream yummy!

I'm fat! I know I know I know...cliche line from a woman. I'm not usually a size zero like all those models on the runway...I absolutely love my curves. But what I don't like are curves in the wrong place. I went on a different pill for like six weeks and oh my did things happen. Apart from my blood pressure going up, I got curves in all the wrong places...yes in just six weeks! I came off it but it just will not budge!! The weighing scale I mean. aaargh! I would hate to think what would have happened if I was on it for longer. It's horrible.

To everyone outside my blog, I am miss smiley! I speak to everyone and walking home consists of a string of hello's and smiles. Thats just me I guess.
But today I don't really feel like miss smiley.
Sometimes I just don't feel like it.
I went to another international party today.
Enter into a whirlwind of endless chatter, cigarette smoke and everyone holding onto a beer or their poison of choice in a plastic cup. Music playing through really big, mean looking speakers from this little mp3 player....students!!
I sit for a while, just watching everyone socialise, laugh, talk about nothing and everything. The radiator that I'm leaning on feels oh so nice against my back and for once, I couldn't be bothered to smile and say hi to all these people.
The radiator feels nice, but there is still a breeze coming from somewhere and the cigarette smoke is plain yucky and suddenly all I want is my bed.
So I look for my jacket in the midst of the oceans of jackets that mostly all look the same to me. Find it and leave. Making sure that I don't tell anyone coz I know I shall definately get "no...don't go just yet, you just got here." And apart from that, I'm tired of explaining that "no there is nothing wrong with me, I just want to sit here with the radiator against my back".
So I leave.
Between the numerous number of times I nearly fall on my ass coz of the ice, it feels nice to be outside, the air is really fresh and crisp...I now know first hand what "crisp air" feels like! lol... The sky is gorgeous and clear, full of stars. And if it wasn't for the cold and my not wearing gloves, I would have stayed out there a while longer.

I was talking to someone today and no matter what you do, how much you hate it, there are people in your life that are there to stay! You least expect them to be there when you need someone and they come out goodness knows which crevasse just at that point.....So for being there for me even when you don't know you are....thank you...even if I don't say it as much as I should.

By the way, I thought jay Z retired??

My ethnic background usually doesn’t get in my way. I’m firstly me…kipepeo before attaching myself to an ethnic group. Being mixed sometimes means you’re not black enough, or you’re not white enough. But I refuse to see people as white or black…they are just who they are and in today’s world, German doesn’t necessarily mean your blonde haired and blue eyed. Or being oh I don’t know Gambian doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have chocolate skin. I grew up in Kenya. I was born in Nairobi hospital and I’ve done all my growing up in Kenya. I consider myself Kenyan. It’s as simple as that.

I have never lived in a place where I have neighbours, more like my parents decided we needed to grow up in a place where the nearest neighbours were a 10 min walk away and that walk you would not dare take un-accompanied…what, out on the road alone? Never. Therefore I had banana trees and cows for friends…well my brother too and my hobbies consisted of making endless numbers of wooden stools for my mother…all in different colors…hey I was creative! Plus I went to a day school. I speak English at home for a reason. English is the common language between my parents. Not that I don’t understand or speak their own respective languages, but English is what we speak at home….its sensibly the easiest thing to do! So I never got to pick up sheng. I do hate it when people who pick on my not speaking sheng and conclude that I don’t speak Swahili and therefore by extension (to them), cannot call myself Kenyan, because proof of nationality (again according to them) is that you can speak the language (“the language” being sheng). It bites even more when this person is supposed to be a friend. Great to know what they actually think I guess.

I’m not one of those mixed people who have an identity crisis and are constantly asking “what am I?” I know who I am and I don’t need the color of my skin to define me. If my physical appearance did define me, then whoa!! I would be quite mixed up….seeing that most people think I’m Indian, right down to calling me Punjabi….let alone mixed race. But it doesn’t come in my way. I just laugh at what the next person will come up with next! It does however really really sting when people bring certain issues and question my nationality.

Weirder still how in the span of like two months, I’ve had the color of my skin questioned as well as my nationality!! After all these years of living in bliss, they bring all these issues up in two months? Give a girl a break!!

Of preppy-ness and white hands...

I was watching some Finnish girls go past me the other day at a coffee shop…all preppy, and well for Finns, seeing as their sense of fashion is slightly warped, looking well in the mix of things clothes wise. There I was in my sweater, jeans, boots…and when I say boots, take out that image forming in your mind of cool snazzy boots….no these are boots!! I used to be one of them. Back at home in my up to date wardrobe, little pretty sandals on my feet, hair done and healthily bouncing along as a result of going to the hairdressers almost every week. My feet were nice and supple and I was one of the preppy ones in my own way and with my own sense of fashion. But here, I couldn’t care less. First I have to be warm for my 20 minute walk to school, then I have to wear these big, gumboot type boots so that I don’t fall on my ass walking on the ice. And as a result, my feet are nothing but supple, the weather really doesn’t help. Your skin gets all dry from the constant cold and you hair!!! Let’s not even get into that! You know the way there are hair products for heat resistance when you use tongs and things, there should be something made for cold resistance coz honestly!! But on the other hand, I’m less worried bout all those things. And in its own way, it’s liberating. I can wear my hair wild and still be me and when I class up, it makes quite the impact! But I’m sure when I go home my mother will think I’ve turned into one of those artsy, wispy, hippy type people lol! On to other things…Someone blogged about the new pronto condom!!! It is soooooo cool…ok I am not a nympho or anything, but dude, I watched the demo and I was like….wow!!! Now why did they not think of that before? Then I noticed something funny…lol, the demo is done on a black model of a penis…(its not real) and the hands doing the “condom application” are white. Strange!

I didn't reeeeeeaaally think of rihanna before...her music was just a breather in the club that I could dance to in the middle of the oooooodles of techno! But I must say, I quite like her album "a girl like me". In other news, the weather sucks! It can't decide if it wants to rain or snow. So it does both. It rains today, it snows tomorrow! hmm! I was walking around in town today running to the bank....long story and by the time I got home, my jeans were drenched up to my knees. My split ends and the funky haircut I gave myself....funky being interesting!! I cut it so it looks like an inverted "v"...not out of choice....no nothing like that, out of my inability to be a hairdresser. Anyway, my v haircut and my split ends are beginning to irk me now! Anyhoo....I've been feeling a bit out of it recently. In an eerie sort of feeling, my life doesn't feel like it belongs to me. It's like I woke up and found myself in this place. I function just like she would...but it's not really me. Oh well, at least I function enough to count down weeks to me going home!! suuuuun!!! By the way....I admit! I am an addict! I cannot get enough of weeds. However, I was this close to going on strike and not watching it since Nancy kissed Conrad!!! He belongs to me!!!! That man is finer than anything I have ever seen! Then he took off his shirt to play basketball, did I almost die infront of the screen or what? slurp slurp....mc.dreamy is alive!

I really hate this blogger beta thing! It always plays around with me when im commenting on someone's post and when I want to log in to post...thus the silence....hihi perfect excuse!! So I passed financial statement analysis better than I thought, but dude!!!!! Supply chain management!!! full marks.....hello!!!!! So I've been feeling yummy bout that. I'm playing my music, drinking wine and getting a buzz from that, almost going for some random party! I put on this top that I think is really pretty, but my boobs seem to be pouring out of it, and I'm not about to do peep shows ala janet jackson thanks...which is likely to happen if I have some alcohol in my system! So, after my emotional backlog was trashed as I mentioned in an earlier post, I seem to be so much happier! I even found myself smiling to myself on my way home the other day....all alone! Alot of it has to do with the fact that have faith in Karma and I know it's coming, another is as trivial at it may seem, I so want to do something wow and be someone so amazing that said people eat my dust as I go past them with a look of...."you look familiar but I'm not too sure where I've seen you"! Then apart from this, I get to go home in like 5 weeks....I need some sun!!! Snow in october is not a plan!! I should be showered with jacaranda purple flowers rather than snow! It's just not meant to happen like that. And as soon as I land, I am heading to the hairdressers! The haircut I gave myself some time ago leaves alot to be desired and I have a feeling once my hairdresser sees the work of art I created she will not be too amused. Anyway, off to get intoxicated and start my weekend.....have a good one everyone...lots of flutter dust and happy thoughts....