Sunday, May 28, 2006

long long rant.

I met someone I haven't seen in a minute.....a really really long time!! Not like I used to talk to them...they were just someone that I knew...loose hi when I saw them, but that's about it as far as communication between us. But I've talked to them twice now in the span of a week. One, I just cannot believe this person talks so much so the first like half hour, I just stared in awe that words were actually coming out of them. Then we got talking and wow. It's a shame we didn't talk more before. Talk about hilarious! So it's been fun. On to other parents think I'm a nomad! LOL! The other day, I didn't reply one of my moms txts and she was all freaked calling to see if I got her text, if so, why I hadn't replied and if I'm ok, etc...she needs to relax a tad bit yo...(I'm still working my yo word!). Then on to even more things! Sometimes I miss things as they were, but I know that it shall never be! If I'm in a relationship, I just can't decide that I'm going to be doing things on my own terms! It's a two way thing. Of which I was reminded again by a really good friend who kicks reality into me even when I don't want to hear it and am throwing tantrums because I don't want to hear it! Anyway, back to what I was rambling on about... So I just don't know. You know when you're doing laps in the pool and you're out there, thrashing it out. At first it feels good, you can feel your muscles work and you know you're doing a world of good to your body, besides it just feels good to feel the water engulf your entirety. Then if you are like me and totally out of practice, after lap 5 you begin to feel tired, breathing just isn't that easy any more and your arms feel increasingly heavier with each stroke. You just need to stop. The water is creasing your toes and your fingers and you just want to get out of the water. That's what it feels like. I just couldn't anymore. I'm not asking anyone to beg or apologize for anything. I never have, never will. Never have I asked anyone to change for me. I really try not to judge and that involves acknowledging that there are people that are way different from me. But that's just how it is, why would I then want to change someone? It really hurts when all these things are thrown at me. I should know better and just ignore it, but I can't. When someone was such a big part of you for so long to then say certain things... I don't know what to think anymore. Suddenly even what was feels foggy! I was telling my friend yesterday that I have lost any faith I ever had in love and he went out at me saying that I shouldn't do that and I should be willing to let it happen and not be pessimistic in the way that I am. How can I do that when it always ends up in tears. It's not love, its just tolerance!! Thats it. Anyway, I know this is going to raise many..."you're wrong, there really is love, you shouldn't be so negative, don't let a few things ruin it for you...etc" But right now, that's just how I feel. I'm struggling with lots of emotions that I'm really trying to ignore but it's proving hard to do so with each day. I have good durations where for some weeks I'm fine and then I hear from someone, remember something, look at a picture, read something and it just comes washing over me, then I go back to burying it and trying to believe that it doesn't exist. It never did. At least I get by that way. Anyway, I need to stop this long rant. It probably makes absolutely no sense to people, but I feel a bit better!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Finally in the first week was quite an adventure!! Anyway, I guess I shall have stories to tell my kids. I usually really worry about my future, I've been accused of being obsessed with it...however, sometimes I go through random acts of madness....much like this whole uk thing, much like me going to Finland. I still don't have a definate plan of things, its really worried me, but somehow I kinda know that it shall be ok....(I guess I have to keep telling myself that). I met some old friends whom I havn't seen in a long long while...its been great! But now I need a job and a house to stay in so I can save up for all my expensive plans for the rest of the year and next!!! The things that I do...just when I'm in the thick of things I can't help but wonder what the hell it is that I'm trying!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Next time I post it will be from the train to the airport leaves at here is to having a good summer....have a great time all of you yummy bloggers!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

this is me...suprise suprise!!

You Are Apple Green

You are almost super-humanly upbeat. You have a very positive energy that surrounds you.
And while you are happy go lucky, you're also charmingly assertive.
You get what you want, even if you have to persuade those against you to see things your way.
Reflective and thoughtful, you know yourself well - and you know that you want out of life.


Egypt is the home of cleopatra of whom I have had a never ending fasination to the point for a while I believed I had to have been egyptian in my past life...
Egypt has five thousand years of culture and is the oldest civilisation in the world! That in itself is simply fascinating. But back to Cleopatra. She became queen of Egypt at the tender age of 17 or that age I could barely finish my homework let alone rule a whole empire as big as Egypt ! Despite what people think of her now, she wasn't as pretty as that. She is known to have had very masculine features with a not so feminine hooked nose to go with the whole look. But she did have charisma... and that is what made her who she was. She had a very elaborate and seductive way of dress and more than her clothes, she oozed sensuality. At the time of Cleopatra's rule, Egypt was a land full of wealth, culture and it just had a special air to it...well at least to me. Cleopatra was Egypt's last pharoah and after her rule, Egypt became a Roman province....From such a fascinating forward to present day Egypt where the government of Egypt has detained 10 people...among them is Egyptian blogger Alaa Abdel Fatah...So I stand in solidarity with other bloggers all over the world and the idea is this...
to link the word Egypt back to the free Alaa! site.

“The hope is that the number of links will eventually mean someone entering the term Egypt in a search engine will arrive at the Free Alaa! site rather than a tourism brochure or something similar. It’s a way of publicising both Alaa’s detention and that of the more than 40 others held after peaceful protests”.

Rachel Rawlins, Global Voices.

Thanks to Mshairi, Keguro, mutumia and Mental who are doing the same...hope this makes even the slightest of differences...

free Alaa!

Monday, May 08, 2006


How many times of falling will it take me to learn? Why can't I just stop? What is this streak of weakness in me that leaves me feeling like I need, need need someone else to put a smile on my face? I can do that all by myself and even spread that smile. So why do I constantly seek this sense of belonging from others, of wanting to be someone's. Can't I just drop all this, like when you cut off your hair. That feeling of it falling off...I want that.

so long and farewell

so long na na na na naaaa!! thats me singing the so long farewell song from sound of music. Remember at the ball when the children say goodnight...I've got 4 nights left in Finland...then I'm off to the uk for the summer. I need a break from this place. So no more sauna, no more strange people, no more finnish language in my ears, no more potatoes nope for three and a half months, none of that! hehe!! I shall however terribly miss all my friends and drunk sauna was held on Friday!!! Which then led us to go cycling drunk to the bothnic bay and go swimming...(sidenote...these people have no idea what a normal sea feels like...that sea was freeezing!!!!) Anyway, had a lush weekend full of good times and lots of food...nice way to end finland for the short time i shall be away...Hmm...i do have a gazillion exams between now and friday though!! But before I know it, I shall be done and on that ryan air flight...oh what it is to be young and no strings attached!! Random thought...I'm in the process of learning to let go of things and situations that seem to be stuck to my mind with some gooey glue!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

bloody (ignore the cheap laughing effects)

I miss home!!

I miss kenyan radio. I miss all the crazy adverts, I miss waking up to capital and falling asleep to capital. Listening to radio on the way to school and on the way home from school, just basically all the time. Today as I was doing a boooooring book review, I was listening to Kenyan radio and oh the wave of home sickness that came over me. See when you first leave home, everything is all so exciting and new, then you hit a wall where you cry, you're homesick, nothing is the same and you just need something familiar to make you feel better, like seeing blueband on the shelves at the supermarket, passing by a kiosk, something, anything... Then after that, you kinda get numb and just get on with what you need to do and then you gradually get into things and hey presto! It isn't too bad! One time you catch yourself smiling. You actually find yourself having a good time and everything is liveable, workable. But sometimes, I get a bout of homesickness. Coming home to homecooked meals everyday, a fruit basket always full of yummy fruit, the way my mum insists on a specific way of folding and storing away clothes and house linen. Sitting on the veranda on a Saturday morning with a glass of juice talking to my mum as she drinks her tea with the sun in our eyes and kiko my dog at my feet. Going to sarit centre and meeting the whole world. Going veggie shopping with mum to the market and talking to the tomato lady, the potato man, the dude who does sugar cane, the old lady who sells beans...basically all those lush people who make veggie shopping such a glorious and colorful experience. I miss bbq's on the lawn. I miss getting ready to go out with all my girlfriends and having a great night full of laughter and dancing. I miss the nonchalantness of kenyans, their smiles in the midst of dust, potholes, bad governance, poverty, insecurity....they still manage to put a smile on their face and a spring in their step and somehow, I still don't know how, they get by. I miss the noise, from matatus blaring music, people singing, laughing, shouting across the road, random kikuyu gospel songs blaring from a kiosk, wycliff the watchman and his little transistor radio covered in crotchet mini radio blanket, shopping at maasai market or just window shopping....i mean stall shopping at the maasai market, I miss going for lemonade at dormans, buying flowers from the florists under the tree in westland...(who are no longer there sniff sniff), the sun, the sun, the sun, did I mention the sun? My family and all the family gossip. The ride home under all the blue gum tree's. October when all the purple flowers come up - agapanthas, jacarandas, for some reason all the purple flowers come out in october! The silence apart from birds chirping and kiko galavanting around the house on a morning when nobody's know those days you were home sick from school. Watching tv under a duvet in the night then racing my brother to bed to get out of putting the sitting room lights off. Hmmmm....I miss home and I had better stop here before I break out in tears and not finish this boring book report!!