hmmm...i have no idea whats been going on, i apparently fight with myself in my sleep. I've got two bruises and i have no idea where i got them from!! strange happenings!! I think my room is haunted! i just wrote a really long post which was inspired when a friend asked what my weaknesses are....i didnt like it so i just deleted the whole thing. i just dont know if i can pin point my weaknesses. its quite hard. they arent negative points in my personality...well i guess they can be...but i think they are more just vulnerable spots...well i guess that could be termed as a bad thing. my boyfriend told me something the other day that sounded quite weird at first but when i thought about it i was like, its actually true...he said, u love someone when uv thought of killing them...i asked him why and he said that only they know all the buttons to push and its true. when him and i have a disagreement, i know exactly what to do to get him upset and vice versa. i dont know if im making sense. It makes sense in my head but trying to get it to make sense on this post suddenly seems a bit hard. kanja and i are two very different people...sometimes i wonder if thats a good thing. I admit, sometimes it bothers me. But at the same time, we fit so well into each others personalities, he covers up for my weaknesses and i do the same for him, so its like a jigsaw puzzle. what he doesnt have i have and vice versa....(going off a bit...thats the 2nd time i've used ''vice versa'' in one post!!! geez) ....anyway...back to him...kanja..and i! I've never blogged about sex. But the other day, someone asked me how i know that my boyfriend isnt just sleeping around back home and im all the way here. All i said was...coz i know! Thats just it. Trust is big for me and i've given him all of mine. Not just because its some random thing i give to just anyone, but boy he worked for this one! so i trust him. Furthermore, sex for me isnt just some random thing that can be done anywhere and with anyone...(more emphasis on the anyone)...from vanilla sky...when you sleep with someone, you give them a part of you. Whether you want to or not. well at least i think it goes something like that. So no, i will not be just sleeping around with random people. And yes i do trust my boyfriend. and lastly.... 'Nothing love does is to make sense, for it seeks to create a Utopia that cannot exist'

i was just listening to dido...i really like this song...


SAND IN MY SHOES
Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To real life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
but, why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused
but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanitation
run a bath and then clear up the mess i made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on the plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To real life where I can't watch sunset
And take my time
Take all our time

I've still got sand in my shoes
and i cant shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget about you
but why would i want to
i know we said goodbyegain
anything else would have been confused

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change in time around by falling
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see again
I wanna see you againI wanna see you again

had a great weekend! partied really hard. im still feeling the effects. watched the sun kiss the tops of all the tips of trees in some forest at like 4a.m on sunday morning. as much as life can be a complete nuisance, it can be quite amazing as well. these past few days i swear has been like someone put some weed in everything iv eaten. iv been really dazed and just stared at things as i take them in....does that sound weird? like a few moments ago, i found myself just staring at the lights on the ceiling....for no particular reason...just coz i can. iv got laundry to do and thats the last thing i want to do right now. even though its just popping them in the machine and then popping them in another machine to dry....god, technology makes man so lazy. if it was last century, id have to get down and actually wash my clothes!! then again, i wouldnt be writing this. come to think of it. no email, no blog, no connection at the touch of a mouse button through internet. geez life would have been hard. then again, i kinda like the idea of no technology and just being!....see what i mean. i dont even know what im talking about.

random post

this is a really cool blog.... http://jamesmuiruri.blogspot.com/ just thought i have to share it! i met someone. totally random, not in person. he's a brother of a very good friend. dont know why i talk to him. maybe its coz he seems to be on the path that im so desparately trying to get my feet balanced on. He almost seems surreal. See he's really passionate about humanity and all these really wow things that i start talking of and you can tell people want to start talking about what happened when we went out last night. I dont know, maybe its just nice to talk to someone divorced from the people i know. To be able to talk about totally random things. On a different note...I miss my boyfriend!!!! i miss his strange sense of humour!...in person! He amuses himself and has the sweetest laughs ever!!!

alanis...

I love Alanis and this is what i was listening to just now... NOT THE DOCTOR I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey Hidden in the bottom drawer I don’t want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine Lend me some fresh air I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you I don’t want to be to be your babysitter You’re a very big boy now I don’t want to be you mother I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months Show me the back door Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at half past six Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom You see it’s too much to ask for and I’m not the doctor I don’t want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon I don’t want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2 I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridgeOn your face at midnight Hey what are you hungry for I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together I don’t want to be your idol See this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights I don’t want to be lived throughA vicarious occasion Please open the window I don’t want to live on someday when my motto is last week I don’t want to be responsible for your fractured heart And it’s wounded beat I don’t want to be a substitute for the smoke you’ve been inhaling What do you thank me for What do you thank me for

onion people!

ok, goodness, i vowed...(and i have stood by my vow) to not get involved in other peoples business. That said, i really dont like it when people pretend to be who they are not. Tell one person one thing and run and tell someone else another. i dont think its very nice! So i think i need a blindfold and ear plugs not to see or hear some of these things that pass me!...geez some people have as many layers as an onion!

Old!

Its here....21 years ago, a little girl was born. That little girl who was born in nairobi hospital, has led a great life.... although she has had her few obstacles in life...(what would life be without them right?)...

Its my 21st birthday and i feel old! I've been taking stock of what i have done for myself, how far i have come, and what i need to have done in the next 5 years. I must say, i have not done tooooo badly! I've got these amazing parents who have taught me everything i need to know and are perfect role models....especially my mum. She's who i want to be when i grow up.....woops, maybe i am already grown up! hmmmm...Anyway, I always ask myself if i would be satisfied with myself if i died today....I'm happy to say that yes, i would be satisfied. I've lived as much as one could for my age and I'm going to do more!

never ending drama...

Hmmm...what a day. Am I the only one who seems to have a life that never ever even threatens to settle down and not have any drama?...So where do i even begin....I'm in the middle of a storm. I told someone in confidence to see their opinion for something that was bothering me. This person went on to tell other said people who were the very last people that information should have reached...now everyone is upset with me, i cant even put things straight coz then i shall be saying the very things that i didnt want to say in the first place. So i debated over whether i should just shut the hell up and let it all blow over, if i should just say the truth of what i know and its up to people to sort themselves out. Didnt sleep very well last night, had really weird things...kanja and i are ok at least, so i can talk to him....he's the only person i can talk to. I dont want to know anything about anyone or anything...think i shall walk around with a blind fold and ear plugs from now on. that way i dont have to get involved or carry other people's problems as my own...which i tend to do! So i really hope this blows over, cause im not going to cause more drama by saying anymore!...

hmm...just got back from helsinki. Some friends and I were thinking of doing a trip in europe by rail. Sounds like a great idea. Something like 15 days, you buy a pass and you can travel through europe unlimited for those 15days. So we thought we could travel by night train, then sight see during the day. Anyone have any good travel ideas....? I want to go to kenya in december and I'm looking for an AFFORDABLE package to somewhere like the mara, lamu, somewhere different...again any ideas...?

complicated melody...

kanja and i have had a bit of a rocky week. its so hard to have those even harder when we are miles apart and even harder still when i love him with every bit of me. Thats just how it is. Its not anything i can control, its not anything i can avoid. He´s the only one that will understand those little stupid thoughts that i have. He´ll give me a hug when i really need one and too proud to say i do need one. He´s the only person that my pride takes the back seat with. Sorry is the hardest word for me to say...from 100 things about me, ..."im always right". Thats just who I am. But with him, i can accept that sometimes im wrong, sometimes im unreasonable and somehow, im ok with that. So anyway, i was listening to india arie and complicated melody is such an amazing song. The lyrics are just wow!!!...


If he were a color
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual
If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango

But if here a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reasong for the sun and the moon
He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me
Said he means the world to me
He means the world to me
Complicated melody that complicated fellow he
He's a complicated melody
I almost can not sing it on key

kipepeo's music...

one of my favorite artists is the great Hugh Masekela. You see, i pretty much didnt listen to a wide range of music, well, up until I did my I.B. One of my subjects was theatre arts. As well as doing strange meditation excercises (which I still cant get the hang of), we were pushed into listening to all types of music. I can trully say I am a much more open person as a result of theatre arts and my mad teacher! It was in this class that I began to not only appreciate, but like african music and i dont mean like genge. I mean like african jazz. My teacher who called himself "The Big Kahuna", introduced me to the likes of Ladysmith black mambazo, fela kuti, femi kuti and the rest of the great african musicians. Its not that i had never heard of them, because I had. My father played fela kuti all the time and it would drive me up the wall! I just couldnt agree with a single song taking up one whole side of an L.P! He even made us all go to a Hugh masekela concert for new years, and as much as i enjoyed it, i didnt really want to admit it coz that was not the "cool" thing to be doing for new years eve! But with I.B, I began to understand that even if i may not necessarily understand the lyrics or be able to sing along (which i do by the way, although I have a feeling the words i sing are far from any language) to enjoy the music. The other night I watched the documentary "Amandla!" about the role of music in the south african struggle during apartheid. The sheer power of music and song. It moved people, gave them the strength they so badly needed, the encouragement. They sang to comfort themselves after losing loved ones, they sang to take away the fear....they sang for hope. Hugh Masekela was a musician of the time and many will remember him for nelson mandela's homecoming song...."bring home nelson mandela, bring him back home to soweto!". He truly touches me. So I'm making this my own Hugh Masekela week, being one of his greatest fans!

can i have a tiny itsy bitsy crush on a blogger...? even though iv read his blog like twice...?

little things...

The past year in my life has been such a roller coaster. I'v learnt to become numb and just do what i have to do. If i think about things too much, i only end up worrying about things too much. So as a defense mechanisim, i have learnt to just ignore things even when im going through them. So After what seems like a whirlwind, I'm finally settling down...i think, im not quite there yet, but i will be. I can feel it in my bones!! I sometimes get caught up in trying to make my future work out, that i forget about all the little nice things that are here with me, in the present. I realised the other day that i have lots of great things happening to me.
....my mum is one of these. She is the greatest woman in the universe and beyond. she is my rock. I may not like to listen to her sometimes, but she has proven to be always right! She is the type of person i want to be!
......my boyfriend. We've had a couple of tiffs over the past few weeks. i know its crazy to be having them being so far from each other. But we are both human. We both have very strong personalities and sometimes we rub each other in the wrong way. But he is the love of my life. He's focused and knows he's going somewhere. He keeps me going. I can truly say i love him with all my heart.
....my friends...over the last month especially, i have met some pretty amazing people! Not just friends to have a laugh with, although we do, but people who have direction. One amazing woman in particular and if she reads this she will know that i am refering to her.....miss up there in the stars with tom cruise!!
....im healthy and alive. Its so easy to overlook that. I get up in the morning, have a shower and get out for the day. I feel the warm water on my skin, i see all the pretty flowers as i walk to wherever im going, i can hear the birds chirping. I'm perfectly healthy! for that, im grateful!
.....most of all, i like who i am! I smile alot, i cry alot, i have alot. I'm still relatively young and i think i have done quite a bit for my age.
so here's to noticing all the little things we have around us that we tend to take forgranted!