me....?

so im home my feet ache from working all day. So someone said that i was depressed.....hmmmm....i like to complain, but at the end of the day i get on with what i have to do. i dont like europe, thats me. I like my country, i love my people, i like the smiles on everyone's faces, i like going veggie shopping with my mum at hawkers market and talking to all the vendors who have become my pals. i dont like it here when everything is so orderly that you dont even have to think anymore, no one just laughs just coz they can. But that gave me something to think about. i'll look or at least try and look for nice things to remember.

what...?

So iv never really had a job before…as in I have worked before, but growing up in kenya and going to school at the same, you cant really get a part time job, ati working in the caffe such things while you are in high school. Its either one or the other. So my holiday jobs were always on a volunteer bases. In other words, for free, in other other words, I was exploited…you know…”you need the experience anyway, and im doing you a favor taking you in, at least you get lunch money!”….i miss kenyans! Anyway, so I will rephrase that, …other than working for lunch, which I didn’t even get coz my mum always had me pack sandwiches…which I now hate. Anyway, so I havnt worked for a salary. And this afternoon was my first time working in the caffe of a well known british department store….for an actual salary. I must say, after going through till training, I must say I respect any till person out there, …”cashback, paying by credit card, debit card, gift vouchers, credit vouchers, coupons, staff discount card…and sometimes with all of them at the same time”. So its just that im here for a little while, otherwise I would have made my presence felt, which I think I will do anyway after a while. So here we are in training, me, who’s come from miles away, this old retired fireman who’s there so he can get a bit more ontop of his pension and this amazingly pompous portugese guy whom I was worried wasn’t going to fit his head through the door. I mean, according to him, he was mr.perfect for retail. Oh and when asked why he left portugal….”im too ambitous”…one wonders what his idea of ambition is if at the age of 31 he is an assistant trainee and works a night shift in a bar. Anyway, moving on from one of the worlds wonders. So this training lady is telling us about how m & s like to keep their image and that whole air of traditionally british and that they make everything, in their food section you will only find our brand, no other brand. But in their clothes line, that’s changing coz now there are clothes made in all other countries. Especially the far east where you can get cheap labour and kids to do the work for almost nothing, but that’s ok coz its in their culture anyway…..!!!!!!!!!!! I almost had a heart attack. Says a whole lot about their policy and just how much this woman actually knows about culture and human rights. I mean you don’t have to be a nuclear scientist to figure that the whole child labour thing is just wrong and cruel. I could go on about what this ignorant woman said, but I wont coz I might just start hitting the screen from the emotion those memories will inevitably stir up. Anyway, so then I started at the caffe. Now at the end of the day, they check to see what will be expiring so as not to put it up for the next day. Well, hello hello, didn’t they through out like ¾’s of a cake. I mean its totally ludicrous. Im sure someone would appreciate it. Give it away, sell it at half price to the staff, give it to a home, something. Coming from kenya, seeing people all over the world die from starvation, you just don’t do things like that. Its just crazy. So next week I will talk to someone about it. When a person is dying coz they don’t have a simple loaf of bread, and you throw out all this? So that’s me right now. I just think this world is so not fair.

cool lyrics

i really like this song...

ENIGMA LYRICS
"Return To Innocence"
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

wow...

So kanja’s phone was stolen and I cant text him, he cant text me. It’s the first time in more than a year that we’ve gone for more than a day without saying anything to each other. It sucks. Now I know just how big a part he plays in my life. Im almost going mad, keep checking my phone to see if he’s written, then I remember that he doesn’t have his phone. This whole distance thing can really kill get to you, but then, id rather have it that way than not have him at all. Iv asked him before, and myself, if we’re doing the right thing, or do I have to love him enough to let him go…they always say if it was truly meant to be, he’ll come back, but there is no way I could do that. I just cant not have him in my life….plus he knows way too much about me..id have to kill him. So I really miss him!!!!!!!!! So I started work today, rather, my training, it sucks when you know you should be doing something so much more and what they are training you is just common sense!! Then I remember that im only here for a little bit, I mean I don’t even finish the probation period…(not that they know that ofcourse) But yeah, should be interesting. I feel so much better these days. I feel like im actually going somewhere and doing something and not just everything is just hopeless. I miss daniela, I miss jacopo, but I can always go back to italy for a holiday, so its ok. I think im talking to my dad again after our world war 3. So im getting there. It feels like iv been fighting and battling, but I know I have many more wars to go, so I think iv resigned to that fact. So that’s all for now. I think I almost have a life again.

hmmm....

So valentines has come and gone, i had my valentines day blues but i think im getting over it now. I got a weekend job. yes saturday and sunday from 9 to 6:30. But at least its better than nothing. Ever have those moments when a friend says something that leaves you asking yourself..."ok, thought they were supposed to be my friend". I had one of those moments yesterday. trust me, its not very nice. it stings. But i guess we just move on. you can't hold on to those moments. So im having a weird kinda day. am just there.

hmmm...

so i got a weekend job with marks and spencer. i really wanted to get a serious admin job or something, but im only here for a few months and id have to train and such things, so its a waste of time and so im getting a normal job. i guess i cant complain, at least am not cleaning or looking after old people which i have a feeling i wouldnt have the patience to do. so yeah, thats me. i go for training next week and im just going for another interview at a ladies clothing line....although its the queens style of clothing, you know hats, and flowered blouses.....eeeew, but its a start. so we shall see where i end up.....my life of crazy turns!!

buses!!!!

so the one thing i miss about italy is the transport system. everything worked. but you dont know what you've got till its gone. here, at least where i live, the bus comes once every hour. to be exact, its supposed to leave my stop at 20 past the hour. well that just doesnt happen does it!?!! if i get there 5 mins before its supposed to leave, the bus is already gone, if i get there 10 minutes before, its ten minutes late, so i spend most of my time here waiting for the bus. and i hate it. in italy, the buses came every 4, 7 minutes or whatever, so you didnt really have to think about the bus. just get out when you're ready and you know there will be a bus in the next few minutes. Unlike here, anyone with a baby pram or in a wheelchair would be just fine coz they make sure you can get on the bus, that there is space for your pram or wheelchair and for wheelchairs, there's a ramp that comes down so they can get on and off the bus. Here, if you're in a wheelchair, forget public transport, if you have a baby, prepare to dismantle your pram, carry that, your baby, your baby bag, your handbag all together up the small steps of the bus to pay for your ticket before you can get in....i mean its ridiculous!!! But as slow and ineffecient the buses might be, at least the drivers are really nice, they say goodmorning, help you if you look a bit lost, just generally nice people whereas in italy, they couldnt care less if you're coming or going. Ask them for help when you're lost and you wish you never had. So to the buses here, ....are you joking...?!?!! Happy valentines by the way....

love...

So its valentines on Monday. I’m all the way here and my better half is all the way, oh like 8 hours away from me. So its not going to be an amazing valentines for me. Then again, with him, its gotten to a level in our relationship that we don’t really need valentines to show how much we love each other, at least I don’t. I feel it every day in everything that I do. Its amazing to have someone there, someone you can talk to, someone to just ramble on when you’re in a strop. He’s my best friend. I tell him everything from…”I need to pee” to my deepest darkest fears about what ahead of me. Its all the little things. When he says hi to all his friends starting with “hey, how are you doing, this is my girlfriend”. In a weird sort of way, it makes me have a little pride glow as I like to call it. I was just watching some thing on telly bout peter andre…remember….oh oh oh mysterious girl….yeah you know who I mean. And I thought he was your average dumb pop star, but he says some things that actually make sense. He said its bollocks that love is happiness, it’s a nice thing yes, but it hurts a lot too. It’s a mixture of trust, friendship, and all those other things. It’s a complicated simple fact. I like that, coz that’s exactly what it is. So even though im not with the love of my life, as corny as it sounds, im with him by heart. And I am truly grateful that he’s always there for me….even though he’s scared of snakes!!!

just me....
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exactly where am i going to???

Ok, so I’m back home. Went to the library. I like it there. I like to be around all those books. Its nice that a little bit of so many places in the world are collected there. So I’m in Taunton south west england. I went to buy a loaf of bread for my aunt today and the lady asked me why I like that particular type of bread, so I said that I was just buying it for my aunt. So she asks if I live here and do I usually go with my aunt, so I said no, I just got here from italy, so she goes …wow, italy…which is always the reaction,….its not at all wow, at least it wasn’t for me. Anyway, so she asks what im doing there and I say I was studying there, but I don’t really like it so im moving to finland. That’s when I stopped and thought. I was born in kenya, moved to italy without knowing too much about it, started uni, figured it wasn’t for me and I was wasting myself with that idea, I am now applying to finland and im in england for a few months till I go to finland. That’s amazing in a strange kind of way. I’m only 20, but I think iv seen quite a bit of life, I may not always think its easy…god knows its not, but I guess I learn in the end, plus I will have amazing stories to tell my grandkids. From marriage proposals for citizenship….that taught me sometimes doing the right thing in this case saying no means sacrifice. To having weird old men at train stations wanting to pay me 100euros to take my picture with them…..sick!!!! To carrying my music system all over europe and italy with all my bags because I cannot and will not survive without my music….to taking a friend to have his collar bone pierced…on both sides…it looks kinda cool actually…!So that’s me. Me who laughs till she cries, dances by herself in her room, has more hair on her head on one side, loves her boyfriend to death. Me who basically is just trying to live!….and I will!

me

so this is my first blog entry. sitting in a library in taunton.....who ever thought i would be here. And not knowing where im going the only thing i do know is that i have to go! do you ever wonder why you get up every morning, do practically the same things every single day of your life. we must all seem really strange to all the aliens out there. totally weird. anyway, let me post this and i will write again sometime soon.