amazing grace...

Wow,Today has been the mother of all days. My goodness. So having lots of work in the office is bad enough, then I got out and its raining and I don’t have an umbrella, get drenched walking to the bus stop. Bus comes late as usual, letting my freeze my ass off in the cold. Get into town to change buses, stop by the photo shop to pick my pics, they closed 5 mins before, and wouldn’t even look at me trying to ask them to please let me just pick up my pics…(I had already paid for them), so turned around to get my next bus, its five minutes to time, and im wet, cold, pissed of and all that. Go to the shop behind the stop to by myself a snicker bar…surely I deserve one after all this, screw the healthy eating for today. Come out of the shop to watch my bus drive off…..wow!! The one day it comes early, I decide to treat myself!! Just great! Almost kicked the smooching couple waiting for their bus!…Note that that was the last bus!! So wait for my next alternative….which is 15minutes later in the rain, get on, get dropped off as close as it goes to home, walk for…oh 20 minutes in the rain with the wind hitting me like its being paid to kill me (Talk about death by wind) and I cant even see coz my glasses are drenched…no I have not invented spectacle wipers yet! Anyway, At this point, I give in, iv cursed enough, put my music on and danced home in the rain. Couldn’t be bothered if people looked at me like I was a run away case from the mental institute. There I was..drenched, glasses drenched, listening to my discman, dancing and twirling in the rain like I was in some musical! Anyway, got home, replied to my boyfriend, a text that had something to do with kisses…and wow, what do you know…I sent it to my mother instead of my boyfriend!!!!! So after kicking myself and screaming into my pillow, I had a shower, had dinner, now im blogging and I shall go to bed, hopefully, tomorrow shall maybe be a little better…

why and how?

“The only thing that lets evil triumph is for good men to do nothing”
This was a quote as the credits rolled for the movie tears of the sun.I watched this movie in kenyan cinemas some years back, but it didn’t hit me as hard as it did when I watched it last night. I started watching it with my aunt, who fell asleep and went to bed even before half time…I wonder about her, I don’t know if its an overbearing attack of ignorance or if it’s a slight leaning towards racism but she couldn’t be bothered to watch anything like that, among other things that I shall not talk about right now. Anyway, back to the purpose of this blog post. I watched as bruce willis playing a u.s navy official led a group of nigerian refugee’s to safety through the lush green nigerian country. It was a gruesome depiction that made me wonder why? While I cried, I wondered why and how. How can a people so rich in culture, so full of love, be so rutheless to each other, to fellow country men? I watched how the rebels cut off the breasts of nursing mothers to make sure they would never nurse their children. Then I remembered rwanda. No matter how much wrong someone does me, would I really be able to put up a panga and kill someone so ruthelessly? Does doing it over and over really make you immune to it? Do you ever not feel absolute horror from the bloodshed? Does a person crying for mercy not move you anymore because you’ve done it so many times? Do you stop seeing people as human? Is it that easy to totally divorce it and not wonder “what if this was my mother, father, brother,sister, girlfriend, boyfriend?” Can you really just wipe of someone’s blood off your fingers and move on to the next thing? Is whatever you’re killing for really that worth it? Do the haunting screams ever stop haunting you? What does your purpose for life become? I asked myself all these questions last night. It really disturbs me to imagine that so many in africa have died. In rwanda, its still happening in northern uganda with the lords resistance army. Is it all worth it? Is african pride so strong that it will kill? Its so much to know that another human being’s life has been taken away, I don’t even have to bring it home and imagine it was my mother,father,brother. It really does break my heart to know that it happens.

never!!!

ok, now iv gotten over my emotional shock. i did an internet quiz from a link on mama junkyards blog to see what country i would be if i was one...lets just say it didnt come out like i thought it would....iraq...??? they lie!! so i did the book one and if i were a book, i would be "your watership down" by richard adams. Thats what my last blog was about. confession..."i have never read the book" this just gives me reason to. so that is exactly what i shall do....im still not amused with the whole iraq thing!...do i seem violent..???didnt think so.

are you joking?

are you joking?

You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.

my grandma...

I just watched a programme called broken families where, a mediator tries to heal a rift that’s going on in a family. This time, it was about two brothers who had had an argument and hadnt spoken in a year. What was the argument about? Business!! They started a business together and had a disagreement. It got me thinking. My dad’s family is a mess. And that would be a major understatement! There is always a fight, everyone is always suspicious of the other, or jealous, or competing. Always something. Their father passed away a number of years ago. Their mother is alive. She used to fuel fights. Right now, I think she’s decided to give up on life and is waiting to die. It’s a sad thing to say, but I don’t really consider her my grandma even though she is the only living grandparent I have. I don’t blame her for giving up on life, but I do blame her for a lot of other things. It actually feels quite nice to be letting it out as I sit here and write about it. My grandpa fell in love with her when he was in his 20’s and she was only 14. He promised he would marry her and had to go away to sort out some stuff. I guess she didn’t believe him, who would at the age of 14 anyway, I couldn’t even finish my homework at that age, forget marriage plans. Anyway, he returned and found her with another man. My grandpa being who he is, fought for her and wouldn’t leave her alone till she was his….which she did become. My grandpa didn’t have a happy childhood and was in the war. He went through torture as a prisoner of war. He believed ever so strongly in corprol punishment and almost no belief if any in education. He drank like there was no tomorrow and hit his wife constantly, not to mention his children.- All five of them. No matter what he went through in his life, it gave him no right to treat his family like that. But those were his issues. I put myself in my grandma’s shoe’s and ask myself what I would have done if I were her. I know for sure I would never stand around as I watched and heard the cries of my 6 year old daughter being whipped with a hippo skin whip for being a typical 6 year old. I know that I would never tell my 18 year old son who’s father had kicked him out of home to leave before his father came back. I know that I would not have let my 14 year old son be pulled out of school by his father because he thinks he’s too stupid to be in school. I know one shouldn’t pass judgment unless you’ve walked in a persons shoes. I know that its hard for some women to leave a man who’s beating on her – and there are many. But I also know that there aren’t too many who stand by and watch things like these done to their children. I also don’t think I would fuel sibling rivalry, especially that of my own children. I remember being in the car with my grandma and two of my cousins (her favorite grandsons) and watching as she gave them sweets and left my brother and I out. I remember asking mum why. I also remember realising at the end of my big 16th birthday party…”oops, grandma isnt here…oh well, not like she cares”. Its sad really. I respect my grandmother not because of who she is, but simply because she’s older than I am. My grandma never held me in her lap, my grandma has never told me a story, my grandma didn’t teach me how to knit, my grandma has given me nothing. All apart from the will to never be like her.

just me!

Part of my job working with the ambulance service is calling the volunteer drivers up and confirming they have received their runs that I fax them. Sometimes they havent and so I have to read out their routes to them over the phone. On Thursday, this happened, and I read a drivers route out to him. When I finished, he thanked me and asked me if I was from wales because I sounded welsh!…I’v never even been to wales. Don’t even know what their accent sounds like. But ok, kindly replied no, far from, I am actually from kenya. That ended there, then I was filling in at the clothing shop and a lady came in, looked around and as she was leaving, asked if I was from the states, I said no, she replied ..”canada?”, again I replied no, actually kenya. To which she replied, “oh, must be the south-african influence in your accent that im hearing!”…I wondered to myself which south african influence? Been to south africa once for like two weeks, hardly enough to pick up the accent. But anyway.
I’m mixed race….I still think that sounds really crude. I don’t like the word race, but till I come up with a better term which people get, I guess I will just have to stick to that. I grew up with people calling me yellow, a pointy, point 5 and half caste. I put a yellow colour swatch next to my skin and there is no resemblance. Point five? I just don’t get it. Half caste is what really gets to me. It’s the most derogatory term you could ever call me. Caste refers to social order, class and all the other synonyms. So what does one mean by calling me half caste??? What, I’m half upper class and half lower class, maybe half middle class and half lower class? I’m simply me! I don’t have a tribe, a race, an ethnic group. I cannot belong to one. I can only belong to a nation. I look indian to some people, ethiopian to others, black to others, but im simply me. I tried for 8 months to get my kenyan i.d. The corrupt lady at the d.o’s office took me round and about. Why? In her words, I don’t look kenyan enough! My hair was too long, my features were’nt correct and neither was the colour of my skin. And when I truthfully told her that I cannot fill in the part in the form asking for my tribe, because she had previously stated that that refers to my fathers tribe, she rudely replied…”everyone has a tribe!” I sometimes like to have that bit of anonymity. To have my hair braided and listen to the woman doing my hair gossip about me, then turn around and thank them in the language they were conversing in and watch as they melt in shame. I like to be able to look at things from both a white and black percpective. To compare my different backgrounds and still think that the people of africa are wealthy in joy and culture, something the europeans lack. To live in europe to study, but know that I’m going back to africa. Not for all the amazing varied reasons people give, but simply because that is where my heart is. Once there, I will find a way to leave my mark and make a difference however little it may be, but I will.

come undone

i love the lyrics to come undone by robbie williams. its so real.

So unimpressed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a whore
So self aware so full of shit
So indecisive so adamant
I’m contemplating thinking about thinking
It’s so frustrating just get another drink in
Watch me come undone
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scumAnd I’m your son
I come undone
I come undone
So rock and roll so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I’m not scared of dying I just don’t want to
If I stopped lying I’d just disappoint you
I come undone
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum
And I’m your son
I’ve come undone
So write another ballad
Mix it on a wednesday
Sell it on a thursday
Buy a yacht by saturday
It’s a love song
A love song
Do another interview
Sing a bunch of lies
Tell about celebrities that I despise
And sing love songs
We sing love songs
So sincere
So sincere
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum
I’m your son
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I am scum
Love your son
I am scum
Love your son
You’ve gotta love my sad song,
my love song
My sad song,
my love song,
my sad song,
my love song

if you want it, get it!!!!

I just realised today that I cannot be a salesperson….it just isnt me. I couldn’t be bothered to pester someone to buy something. If they like it, they’ll take it. Nothing anyone says is going to change my mind and make me buy something I never wanted in the first place. So this revelation came to me while I filled in today at some uptown shop. You wonder what its doing in a small village in taunton, clothes like those belong in london. They are too strange for the older and very conservative population of this village. Anyway, some people do buy stuff from there. So I usually say hello, smile and be there for the customer while they look around, not too close coz I hate being pestered while I shop, especially by nagging assistants who keep asking if im looking for something in particular. If I was, I would ask!! So I learnt not everyone is like me. If I just leave them, they look around and leave. If I ask them if they are ok and that awful question that I hate….”are you looking for something in particular”, they come down like a ton of bricks, but putting a show that they are fine….”uhm…not really, (then after a pause of thought)..actually, im going for a wedding and I need something to go with my pink jacket, oh and shoes, oh and while you’re at it, do you have something green, you know, to go with my eyes…”…..All these things. Did they need me to ask them? Surely im not paid to just sit there and look pretty in my boobs….(which im wishing away but not working and is made worse in a land of boobless creatures), anyway, away from my hatred for my boobs. So do they need me to ask them so they can tell me? If im looking for something, I go into the shop and just tell them, …”I’m looking for this and that!”. Finished. No need for not asking for help and waiting to be asked. Anyway, I guess everyone being so different makes the world go round.

boobs

Ok, so I finally worked my last day at the department store, and after doing what I was supposed to, giving a week’s notice, working, the week’s notice, which didn’t feel like such a good idea at like 6 o’clock on a weekend morning……(lazy morning with a book), anyway, so I got my ass up, got in the shower and went to work. So being the size of company that they are, you would think paying me for the oh….3weekends I had worked there wouldn’t be anything to seek the advice of all financial bodies in the world….apparently I was wrong. So I didn’t get paid, and get this, their excuse was….im still quite perplexed!!!…their computer was confused because pay day is in the same week as my notice!!!!! What? You’re computer is CONFUSED?? What do you when faced with utter stupidity like that? Nothing! You act equally dumb, comment on how computers do tend to get into fits of confusion these days…maybe it’s a virus???… turn round and call the head office! Anyway, I guess not everyone HAS to have common sense right? So I wont hold it against that woman. If its not there, its not there. No point getting worked up bout it. Anyway, that was my confused….huh? did you just say your computer is confused weekend. Apart from being utterly broke, everyone in the office is on some kind of diet!!! One girl is eating just cereal…yes, breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, anytime she thinks of eating, it can only be cereal! Then the next one is on some weird diet that allows you chocies and strawberried with chocolate sauce…hmmmm…im questioning that one and waiting to see how it works. Anyway, did I say everyone, I meant everyone exept ME!!! I just cannot do that whole diet thing!! I give in to temptation too easily. But now, I am determined to. I think my boobs are too big. Unlike everyone else, growing up, everyday I seemed to be horrified by the thought of boobs! Id actually ask them to stop growing! Im not a D cup or anything, iv got a smaller bust than most of my girlfriends, but still. So when you lose weight, you loose your bust as well, so if anything is going to be my driving force, that shall be it! Getting a few inches of my bust is my goal for this year. Hope I make it…..actually, I had better make it!!!

doing what i say

I always say how you should never burn bridges and that no matter what, whenever a relationship ends, you cant just brush it off as one big awful experience, there must have been something really nice that you experienced. So today, I got challenged. There I was preaching the same old story to someone about how you should remember the good times, etc. And they turned round and said to me, fine, if you really think so, what did you like about your last relationship? What was the nice thing with your ex boyfriend. Forget the one who’s in your life right now. So it made me think about it. It really hurts to think about it seeing that it ended in heart ache and litres and gallons of tears. But I did think about it. So what can I say. I know for sure that he was a romantic. He didn’t seem like it, but he’d do all these little things. Once, just off the cuff, he sent me an sms on the hour for 12 hours and each sms was a reason he loved me. He took me out for surprise diners and I wouldn’t have a clue of where we were going. He’d send me a good luck bunch of roses and a card for my exams. He’d give me a foot rub in the theatre while we watched a movie…something that seemed so strange but meant a lot at that time. He’d hold my hand while we walked on the road and took charge of everything. He gave me the sweetest nick names. Not the usual sweetheart etc. something that was relevant to what I liked and made me feel really nice. He always gave me sound advice bout stuff…advice that was realistic enough for me, something that I could see myself doing, something practical and not….you’ll be fine! So it was all the little sweet things that I will remember. It’s hard and strange doing so, but I’ll practice what I preach and remember these moments rather than the not so sweet moments.

urgh!!

Wow!!!my cousin is getting married. She sent me the email and all I could get out was WOW!!! Im really really happy for her. That’s just amazing!!! Anyway, back to my never ending life of events. So I just found out that my really really really good friend, like this is a girl iv cried with countless times. In high school we sat next to each other and when our form tutor moved us, we were in tears. Anyway, I told her how im planning to move uni’s and country’s and she was like…oh,ok. And iv been struggling to get any info, basically groping in the dark, and im getting there, out of nothing else but sheer determination! Turns out that she knows someone in the country that im going to. She could have made my life so much easier, I don’t know why she does some things. I chose to come to the uk and work a little before I go, be a little independent, get some money for myself before I go to uni. I really hated italy, and when I tell her, she goes…oh, are you sure you want to move, I mean, a whole year and other comments that I shant write down here. Basically making it seem like im jumping all over the place, while she’s all settled with a perfect life, which is far from, but anyway. So im just sick of it! Im tired of people pretending, im sick of acting dumb like I don’t know what’s going on, just coz I couldn’t be bothered to get involved. Then I think about all the other people, I hadnt been in the uk a full week and one of my friends who lives here calls me up. Apart from my parents and my boyfriend, nobody had my number. And this friend just always keeps tabs. He’ll ask how im getting on, how im getting on with my uni plans, how’s work, such things. I havent cried with him, don’t share any of my deepest secrets with him, yet I still feel I could tell him anything. I have to think twice before I tell this other friend things coz I can bet my life, she’ll spit out some coment that just makes you feel like crap and about oh, 2 inches off the ground! It really bothers me. Anyway, that’s my rant for the day!

hmmm...im feeling quite let down. i shall elaborate after work

interesting thought...

I’m known at home by my friends as the flu queen….im always down with the flu. Surprisingly though, I havent had one in a while, well up until now. One would think that since I get the flu so often, id be used to it by now…I guess not!! I feel like my head is swimming and someone’s put weights on my eye lids. I was thinking just a while ago. There is some italian philosopher, don’t know his name, just heard of him in passing. Anyway, he says or said…I think he passed away some time ago, but then again he could be alive. Anyway, he said that each person has more than 100 personalities, maybe even hundreds. I think its amazingly true. Let me explain how this school of thought goes. The way my mum sees me, is different from how my boyfriend sees me, which is different from what someone iv met for the first time thinks and sees of me, which is different from any other person in my life. Everyone has a certain perception of my personality. One person may think im bubbly, the next person may think im shy. I’ll give a great example. There’s this email going around. You know the kind that you answere all these questions about the person who sent it to you. Well I sent it round to people and it was amazing at what people think. One question went….”do you think im shy or outgoing?”…well the answers were really varied, some people thought I was shy, some thought I was outgoing, some thought a mix of both…whatever that’s supposed to mean. I mean, I would think a person is either shy or outgoing-black or white, no space for grey areas. But apparently I am viewed very differently from one person to the next. Thus if you think about it, there are hundreds of me’s! the person I say hi to in the plane sitting next to me and have a small chat with, to my boyfriend, to my best friend. One could argue that it depends on how well they know me. But fact is, at this point, they all think of me very differently and all have different feelings as to what my personality is like. And I think that is really interesting…

the woman from the nyeri slopes has arisen!!!!

hmmm....the fighter in me has woken up. So today i went in the department store offices to tell them that i want out. I know im quite insignificant in their runnings and whether i quit or not means nothing to them, but this is something that i really feel strongly about!! i have never seen an organisation so money minded they forget whats coming and going. the other day, right infront of me, i saw them throw out a whole trolley full of sandwiches, fine they were expiring the next day, but they were'nt that day, give them out, plan better, there must be some way not to just throw gobs of things away like that. its pathetic!! then in the bathrooms, behind the door while im just taking a pee, this massive poster screaming out with a finger pointing right at you...."What are you doing to bring in more profits?"...i mean honestly!!! What does it look like, im just taking a pee for fucks sake!!! And the whole comment put very nonchalantly about child workers during my training just put a full stop to the whole thing. fine im looking for a job for now, but there is no way im going to be part of that, no matter how small my part is. So when i went to tell the stupid woman who is head of human relations, she just looked at me as if i was talking greek or better yet swahili and said how they do have charitites some times to pick up food....well, thats strange, iv never seen anyone coming to pick up all the waste that goes into the bins dear!!....ignorant fools that have never even probably been out of this province let alone england! Its just money and we are not going to the next world with it. A little humanity now and then would be just great. Anyway that is my ranting for the day, let me go for my other job which i like and thats dispatching ambulances. People actually gain from that!!! So here's to standing my ground and standing up for what i believe is right no matter how insignificant i am!!!

smilies.

Oooh…..i was just listening to a cd that I stole from kanja….well not quite stole, but just took and informed him that im taking it. Its got locked up by akon and some cool song by beenie man. Anyway, it really reminds me of home, rather when I went home for christmas hols!! …. More specifically it reminds me of him…kanja. We’ve got the weirdest taste in music. Kenyan, enya, ragga…some of the time and I actually got him to enjoy some rock!!! He’s one of those people who likes his music in the car really really loud, so we’re always fighting over volume control, but when im driving alone, I always find myself putting the volume really high like he does, I know when he reads this he’ll be like….haha …knew you liked my style!…Anyway, so we both really like music. I like that even while we are so far away, he still sings to me. He’ll send me a text of words to a sweet song or words to a song that we both like. I think it’s the sweetest thing ever. We’ve been together a year and a bit and I still feel that bubbly first week feeling even from so far, its sooooo cool!!!!! I was in the bus today and this old couple came on and they were talking about where to go house shopping and then they got off, and the old man helped his wife off and then had her arm in the crook of his elbow as they walked off chating away about all sorts of unimportant stuff. Its was really very sweet. And so it left me wondering, actually wishing that kanja and I get to that point. Although my mum and I are really close, I havent officially told her that we’re together, my last relationship just felt like she was always asking what was wrong, he’s not good enough for me etc. I know she means well, but I like to sort out my things the way I feel I need to and if I feel I need to ask for someone’s opinion, then I will ask. Not the other way round. So I have a feeling she has an idea, but for now im enjoying not having to explain things. One of my closest friends thinks am better off with my ex. That really hurts knowing how many tears were shed for him. I was the most miserable person for more than a month after him. And now when iv finally found this person that seems so perfect in my eyes, she makes it blatantly clear that she doesn’t like him! Oh well, such is life I guess, she’s not the one feeling all bubbly …so whatever to that. So I will go on with my dance fest to my sweethearts music and praise myself for doing something that was amazingly right in my life to deserve someone like him! Virtual kisses to my baby!!!

it snowed last night. and it rained this morning. i like the rain. although i miss my boyfriend every time it rains but i survive. i finally got my national insurance number which i thought i wouldnt get for another month at least. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever see certain people again. you know all those people you went to school with who were really nice, but somehow, you just didnt seem to stay in touch and you just moved further apart till you realise you dont even have their email address anymore and they've moved to some far off place. But i guess such is life. when you loose touch with some and meet new amazing people. its great to talk to people that you thought you'd never talk to again. someone just sent me an email. its one of those people that you never thought you'd hear of again. it was really nice and sends a warm feeling through you. So i think although i am an awful keep in touch-er, i will try and keep in touch with everyone...not just with forwards, an actual email or phone call.