pre flight ramblings

My heart is beating at a crazy,insane rate! I leave the u.k tomorrow to a place I’ve never been to! Just finished packing…I hate packing!!! I like to feel at home wherever I am so iv got lots of little knick knacks and things and also things that I collect on my travels….not a good idea when you’re packing I can tell you. So yeah. I’ll have a long hot bath today, go to bed for the last time here and the next time I blog, I shall be in Finland!!! How weird is that?

My hair…
don’t know how to handle it,
It just doesn’t listen anymore,
My nails…
nicely done for the first time in a long time,
My heart…
I can feel it beat,
I can feel it in my toes,
My life…
It feels like a dream,
Like it doesn’t belong to me
Like I’ll wake up in my own bed,
I miss him,
Wish he was here to hold my hand,
Hold my hand and tell me its all ok,
But he’s not
He’s all the way there
And I’m all the way here
Guess I’ll have to do it alone
My emotions…
A little excited,
A little afraid,
A little anxious,
But there’s still butterflies,
I’ve got a bit of tiramisu in the fridge,
There’s babies in finland,
I still smell like me,
Sound like me,
I must still be me
...yeah, i'm still me!

ok, party up,
finland here i come!!

i am not lesbian at all...BUT Kellis is HOTT!!
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kipepeo: hmmm

kipepeo: hmmm

What a day. I had a secretary night last night. I hate not knowing about the future and whats going to happen, which is exactly what finland is. I have no clue as to where I will be over the next 3 and a half months. I confess, I’m scared to death. My blog knows this, kanja knows this, my mum knows half of it, the rest of the world thinks I’m fine and ready for the challenge!…I’m not! That’s the truth, plain and simple. As long as I ignore it, its fine, then I remember like yesterday, and everything feels like its all out of control. Had a shower last night, tried really hard to ignore it, but I couldn’t. So I had a good cry last night in the bathroom, wrapped in my towel, sitting on the floor at about 11p.m! I haven’t had a good cry for a while. I did yesterday. I cried it all out! My missing home, my missing my mum, my missing kanja, but most of all, my utter fright over the next 3 and a half months! Then I crawled into bed and fell asleep, thinking about the fact that I wish I could have a good shag….no at that point I didn’t even feel like a cuddle, (which most people would want, feeling like I was). I wanted a very long shag session! Woke up this morning with puffy eyes (why is it that some people don’t get those!!!!!???), but feeling a bit better. Over the past 11 months I have been thrown in the deep end, yeah my parents have an oxygen tube to me, but iv got to do the swimming! Sometimes I gulp down more water than I should, most times it feels like I’m using all my energy to just barely, and I mean barely keep my head above the water, fuck, not even my head, just my nose! Then I went in to the office today for my last day. And at the end, the office gave me a present….a white scarf with sequins and the prettiest card. It made me feel significantly better (my head was out of water all the way up to my neck at that point!!!). Then I remembered who I am. That bubbly, smiley girl almost got lost in the drowning girl…does that even make sense?

hmmm

I'm i just a major bitch? I'v got friends, whom i really care about and will keep in touch with always, forever. Then there are just people who come into my life, i talk to them yes, but they dont mean heaps to me, and so if our paths go separate ways, oh well, thats just how it is. Iv got some friends who talk to everyone, even though they dont really like a person, they'll go "hey, how have you been, small talk, irrelevancies, etc", then turn around and say how that person is so this and that in a negative light. So is it right to just talk to eeeeevryone, just for the sake of saying you know so many people and be saying he to the whole club when you go out, or talk to the people who mean something in your life like i do. I'm not saying i dont say hi and stuff, but i just say what i have to. Not pretend we're bossom buddies when we both know we're not. I think i'll stick to my way. This has been a very winding post, but at the end, im thinking, hey, i'm right!

The days are creeping up on me. I have a week before I leave and start up again in Finland. I’m terrified, excited and anxious all rolled into one. I take risks, this is a big one. But I will confess, I’m a coward and panic like I’m being paid, but its something I have to do, so my cowardness has been put in the back seat for now. So I was thinking about Italy. I hated it. But then again, there are some things that I liked about it, that would not be fair to just forget so simply. First off, the food….oh my goodness!!!!! I had taste bud orgasims all the time!! Ice cream, chocolate, TIRAMISU…which I learnt how to make!!! Pizza, coffee, and I mean real espresso ristretto, pasta, fresh mozzerrella, riccotta, fritelle’s filled with zabaglione…ok, I shall stop now, I’m getting hungry. I learnt the language. I got to know some really nice people. Got to see so much art and old monuments and churches….VENICE!!! I adore venice! But I also learnt this beautiful phrase which a friend once said to me…”quando vogliamo d’avere una cosa, tutto l’universo conspira per averlo”….when we want something, the whole universe conspires so you can have it. It was an experience, one I wouldn’t like to go through again, but somehow, in a strange way, I’m glad that I did. So its behind me now and I’ve got finland ahead of me. A strange land with lots of trees and lakes and freezing cold for 6 months of the year practically….but im determined to have a great time!

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
- Calvin Coolidge, former US president

flutter

So there is this dude at work who irritates the living daylights out of me! Honestly if I don’t kill him by the end of this week, it shall be nothing short of a miracle! He just doesn’t seem to understand that my purpose in life is not to sit and wait for what comes out of his mouth!!!! He drives me up the wall, onto the ceiling and back down again!!!….but I get my own back when he has to squeeze his massive self into this tiny little car with his knees almost in his face to go home….I know, its mean, but I cant help it. You should see him parading around the office like he was gods gift to the ambulance service! Anyway, he’s just another wonder that I will not even attempt to understand…waste of time! So I think yesterday was like a butterfly day or something!! I renamed my blog kipepeo, coz I simply love butterflies. You should see me go crazy at the butterfly farm at Gedi!!! Anyway, then I found this really cool designer line called….yes…kipepeo. It was started by a kenyan in the states and they have some funky stuff!!! Then my mum sends me the sweetest fwd about butterflies. Bout this man watching a butterfly struggle to get out of its cocoon, so thinking he was helping, he nipped the cocoon with a pair of scissors to let the butterfly out easy. But unlike what he expected to happen, the butterly had weak and shrivelled wings and remained like that for the rest of its life. What the man didn’t know was that the struggle to get out of the cocoon forces butterfly blood (do they have blood?) into the veins of the wings, so they are strong enough to spread out and fly (at this point nick, I could easily break out in song…butterfly…mariah…but I shall save everyone). Anyway, so by cutting open the cocoon, this man interrupted with all that. So I guess, butterflies have a big lesson to teach me!

new name...

kymbrr i have been meaning to do this for like the past oh....month....thanks for jerking my ass into action! So my new blog name is ......drum roll please.....KIPEPEO! I love it!! I love butterflies and it sounds amazing in swahili, so i did the necessary.....

me!

Ok, its time I stopped putting this off.
….100 things about me…

1. I am head over heels in love with the most perfect man in the universe and beyond.
2. I’ve learnt that love creates an absolute perfection…(refer to 1.) He’s the only absolutely perfect thing in my life.
3. I think my mother is the most amazing woman in history. I want to be just like her. She has taught me so much and still does so.
4. I had a happy childhood. I realise not many people can say that, and so I’m grateful.
5. I love butterflies!
6. I looooooove babies.
7. I think I’m too young to have a baby right now.
8. But I will as a result of no.6.
9. I like talking to myself. It’s only weird when you reply to yourself which I don’t, so I’m normal.
10. I love doing my eye-make up, its just so much fun.
11. I’ve had the same watch since I was 16. My grandmother gave it to me.
12. I love dark chocolate and white chocolate.
13. I’ve got a rutheless pride.
14. I hate borrowing, especially money, I’d rather starve…this is a result of no.13.
15. Red walls hypnotize me.
16. I like the idea of a long hot bath, but I get bored after 10 mins.
17. I’m a sandal freak.
18. I had a lip balm and keyring collection when I was about 11 yrs old.
19. Now I stick to vaseline with aloe vera.
20. I keep a record of design features I want to have in my own house when iv got one.
21. I have a horrid short term memory.
22. I cry all the time, when I laugh, when im angry, when im sad, all the time.
23. I really really worry about my future.
24. I’m getting to actually like my natural hair.
25. I love the rain.
26. I like ladybirds.
27. I adore puppies.
28. our family house dog was named kiko after my dad’s goat…I still don’t know why, but I think it’s a nice name.
29. if my parents didn’t name me what they named me, they would have named me amber.
30. I think it’s a beautiful name, and I shall name my daughter exactly that.
31. I really wonder why god allows good people to suffer and the really evil dudes to prosper.
32. I believe in god, even though I don’t understand him.
33. I hate ignorant people.
34. But I also think ignorance is bliss.
35. I’m a gemini.
36. I still have a spice girls cd and a 3T tape…they were sooooo hotttt!!!
37. I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting…I’m trying to work on that.
38. I’m stubborn and hard headed.
39. I’m quite sarcastic.
40. some people don’t like it, I like that I am.
41. I panic a lot.
42. I need to work on being less panicky and just let things flow.
43. I’m a size 12/14, I’m working on being a 10…..well iv got to have dreams don’t I?
44. sometimes I’m insecure.
45. I can be an amazingly strong person when I want to be.
46. I do many things to prove a point.
47. kanja is the man I will marry.
48. I know what my wedding is going to be like
49. my first boyfriend asked me to marry him….i was only 15.
50. he went on to stalk me and threaten any potential boyfriends when I broke it off.
51. I am always right!!!…refer to no.38
52. I hate living in europe
53. when I was younger my dream was to be a marine biologist…everything in my room had to do with the sea and I made my mum paint the ceiling of my bathroom blue.
54. I adore cowrie shells.
55. I’m crazy about candles.
56. I love photography and art based on the female form.
57. I hate fabric that has anything to do with floral prints.
58. I sleep with the radio on.
59. my favorite drink is a martini bianco and lemonade with a slice of lemon and lots of ice….yummy!!
60. I could live on tiramisu.
61. I cant stand it when I can hear people breath, it drives me up the wall.
62. iv began to notice the ticking of my watch…its quite irritating.
63. my favorite thing to do is cuddle in bed with kanja listening to enya and eating jelly sweets.
64. I can be borderline lazy.
65. I like dancing at bus stops.
66. I like taking photos of my toes.
67. I’m scared to death of failure.
68. this is my driving force most of the time.
69. I love men in sweaters, shirts and who smell divine….oh wow, that’s kanja!!!
70. malindi is the coolest place ever!!!
71. I’d love to go to nepal….and I will.
72. my dad can fix anything and everything…he’s really cool
73. my 16yr old baby brother is such a calm person, I get jealous.
74. I like complaining
75. I do a lot for other people and even go out of my may for them…I sometimes forget about me.
76. I’m made to be someone and make a difference, and I will.
77. I’m shy when im on foreign ground.
78. I get bored of people quite easily.
79. I think my boobs are too big.
80. I’m intelligent and work hard.
81. I enjoy my own company
82. but iv began to like kanja in my own company…that’s says a hell of a lot.
83. I love music…of all kinds.
84. as a result, I adore dancing, and I can too!!! I can drop it like its hot!!!
85. I hate critisicm….because…no.51
86. my nails are my stress indicators…less stress equals more growth!
87. I’m scared of hights.
88. mary poppins,sound of music, bed knobs and broomsticks, pippi long stockings….my all time favorites!!!!!!
89. I HATE milk.
90. I like post its (“stickies” in my lanuage)….they are so much fun!!!
91. I love reading!
92. my high school days were the best days of my life…didn’t know it then though.
93. I can be very blunt.
94. I cry when im drunk, actually not cry, but wail…over nothing and ten mins later, im on the dance floor again.
95. I hate being asked where I’m from, worse yet…what am I! Especially in my own country!!!….uhmmm…try human?!?!
96. relatives can be your greatest help and your biggest downfall…..i know!!!
97. I’m a recovering coffee addict.
98. I think I might just be getting comfortable with being me.
99. I like washing my hair.
100. This wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be…im quite shocked that I actually did it…..wow!

foundation...??????

Ok, so do make up companies think all the people who aren’t white are all the same color and thus make one standard foundation for all black skin?????? I’ve tried all sorts and I cant find a foundation that matches my skin tone….not all black skin has red tones!!!!!!! Geez!! So that’s my rant!! I’m bitter!! But then, im really exited, Obama and Wangari mathai were on the time magazine’s top 100 influential people!!!!!! I’m totally wow’d by that. Totally cool!!!

weird day

So I had an interesting day…you know one of those days that seems like a twilight zone? Yeah, that’s what I had. I actually going aroung in the bus. Even though most times im the only one below the age of 60. But I like old people. They are so cool. So anyway, I was walking to the bus stop and right on the path was a lady-bird trying to make its way to the bushes…the last time I’ve seen one of those has got to be more than 5 years ago! So I let it climb onto my finger with its tiny tickly feet and put it in the bushes. I wish someone would do that for my life! Anyway, so got to work, and I was supposed to be doing an annual leave table and the bosses tallying, didn’t seem to be right, so after a lot of gently getting people to notice me…(im only a temp, who cares what I say), I finally got people to notice that they are actually being given a raw deal. They work an 8 hour day, but when they apply for leave, it’s a 7.5 hour day, the lost half hour, does make a big difference, so everyone is up in arms about that now. And lots of other little things that don’t make sense like a person having to find someone to cover for them when they take leave. Hello, that’s the managers problem, that’s what they’re paid to do. I’m entitled to my leave, why do I have to find someone to work those hours? Anyway, they have a crap system going on there. Then me being a sandal lover, seeing that the sun was out when I left the house, I put on my pretty sandals. Get out of work and its pouring, oh well, not the first time iv walked in the rain. Then go to buy a bottle of water and these two punk rockers, you know the full deal…piercings in every place, eye liner, red hair, long coats, etc. (both guys) were buying baby clothes for some little baby somewhere. They actually had very good taste, and completed the outfit with little booties. It just looked so strange for a tiny pair of baby booties to be in the hands of these punk rockers….weird!

grey in between

wow, so much going on about the virtual insanity blog. I did read it and i did go....hmmm...did he have to go that far? like many people, i prefer to stay out of such topics...like they say, unless you've walked in that persons shoes. I was all against abortion. I just couldnt see how someone could take away a life of a little one....(me being a baby lover), well that was until i knew someone who had one and the agony that she told me she went through was too much. I understood why she did it. I'm not saying its right, but you'd have to understand the turmoil a person's going through. I didnt understand why people couldnt walk out of a relationship if it was hurting them so much, till i was in one, and out wasnt an option i was thinking about. Like a blogger said,...i think it was nick...? anyway, he said life's not black and white like some would like to think but the greys and what shade of greys. I'v grown alot this last few months, and that is something iv learnt...everything is relative, my hell could be the next persons paradise. Nothing is an absolute in life and it takes courage to understand and accept that and most of all not pass judgement so easily.

hard

Ok, tried the natural hair…hmmm…I think I need to wait for all my hair to go natural. I actually really like my natural curls, but the straight tips,…leave a lot to be desired! But I am going natural…in the long run!! For now, it’s a bun for the next few months! Anyway, my better half is not feeling too up beat. I know what it feels like, when you just don’t know what the hell is going on in your life and everything just seems so darn pointless. There was a point I thought of quitting this whole uni thing and just becoming some secretary somewhere in nairobi…they eat, sleep,laugh, everything that everyone else does. Then I figured I didn’t work my ass off in school for that…especially I.B!!!! But its hard to make someone feel better from so far. Especially when all I wish I could do is just hold him and be there for him to personally just pour it all out to. The distance is hard…very hard! Kanja’s my bestest estest…(I really cannot overemphasize the “estest”) friend in the whole world. I can talk to him about anything under the sun. He can step out of kanja my boyfriend and in a second be just kanja my best friend, to kanja my role model, to kanja my guardian angel. He’s a lot of things rolled up in one. He sometimes doesn’t see how much potential he has in him. I wish he did see that more often. He’s got an inner strength that moves him and anyone around him. Sometimes in my secretary giving up tantrams, his energy picks me , even if he doesn’t try too hard and I just have to move ahead, no choice. He’s my life cheer leader and a damn good one at that. So im finding it hard to cheer up someone who’s feeling down and who’s a natural winner and the strongest person I know.

my hair....

Ooh! I painted my nails today. Don’t think they’ve seen nail polish since I left kenya in december. They look quite nice actually. I have’nt been taking care of myself very much recently. Took out my lovely braids with my cowrie shells this last week…..oh my goodness, I said I was going natural and now my hair is half natural and half relaxed. I don’t even know where to start with it!! It’s sooo big. All I can do is tie it in a bun. Anything else feels like im wearing a mop on my head. See im hair dresser spoilt. Growing up in kenya I was always at the hairdressers. Iv had my hair red, bronze streaks, gold hi-lights, name it, iv had it! Short bobs, long, I was quite liking my layered look, that’s until europe came along, and wow, I can’t go to the hairdressers. One have’nt found one, two, even if I do, I am not about to pay the kind of charges they charge! I’d rather my mop! So maybe I might like my natural curly hair….so this next week its going to be au naturalle!!!…hope it works! Curly roots and straight tips! Hmmm…So this morning I was blowdrying my hair, cursing why it wont just listen to me and go straight. Then I asked myself why I was doing this. I relaxed my hair to get it straight, spend hours at the hairdressers in the dryer, getting it flat ironed coz I hate curls. My hair isnt straight, my hair’s ringletty and wild. My hair is much like my life, a tumbling of sort of curls,and not too sure which direction its going. But its mine! So, I’ll let my hair be who its meant to be from now. Ok im off to wash my hair and let it dry of in a natural way! Im actually quite excited about this.

i think i'll wait a bit..

I’m looking for a ticket for finland now. By the way thanks miss k. That means a lot. I have spoken to sanaa. All of a sudden, iv got just a few weeks to go!!! I can’t believe it. I anyone told me that at my age now, I would have gone to italy for uni, not liked it, gone to the uk for a couple of months while I wait for uni in finland, I would have dismissed them as totally crazy!! Anyway, on the way to leicester this weekend, I was sitting next to this girl, im calling her a girl because she didn’t look like she was above 21. She had her little daughter who was about oh, maybe 2 or 3. They were both really tired, so both cranky…I think they had been travelling for most of the day. The mum was trying to listen to some music, the poor little girl couldn’t sit still, cant blame her, at that age its horrible travelling. And it was a tug of war between them. So I thought to myself. Wow, here I am, cant even take care of my own life, what would I do if I had a little one to take care of? Geez, not a good thought. I love babies. Honestly and truly, like the shop attendants at mother care back home know me coz im always in there with one of my girlfriends swooning over baby clothes and shoes. People get sick of my going…”awww” everytime a baby passes. I love all babies!! But I just cannot see myself being a mother right now. The life of a little one depending on me!?! That’s not funny. So there we were, two young people about the same age. But our lives so different. Me with my carefree life on my way to my friends to party for the weekend with my bag with make up, change of clothes, discman, a time magazine and a good book to read, and there she was with wet wipes, dummies, nappies and a baby on her hip. Life is so different for people, its amazing.

wow

So I came back from leicester yesterday. Went to birmingham on Saturday…..wow!! compared to my little taunton backwater village, birmingham is massive. Had a blast, went decently clubbing, which I havnt done in a long while. Then realised that iv got a month to finland. I was really low yesterday after my bus ride back after reading an email that my mum sent me about what relatives opinions are. I haven’t cried in a long time, but I did last night….yes woke up with the puffy eyes and everything…anyone know how to get rid of those after a night of crying, please let me know…!? Anyway, its amazing how people have no faith in you. So I asked myself if I did the right thing by leaving italy, what if finland doesn’t work out, what then? Had a long talk with the love of my life who made me feel a little better. Then I figured, I shall do what im good at…I’ll make it work, if for no other reason than to prove a point and rub it in their faces! Why? Because I can. And that is exactly what im going to do. So I wiped my tears and decided ahead is the only way. These last months (the last two being numb) have been the record hardest times in my entire 20 year life…well at least iv got cool stories to tell my grandchildren.

im about to go on a five hour coach ride to leicester. i like road trips, so im a bit exited!! But i really really really...i cant over emphasize the really miss my boyfriend...